Do Your Duty.
Mood:  happy
Topic: Poop
(It transpires that this is the second in a series of entries on bodily functions. Bear with me, y'all. This is some important stuff.)

Speaking of bodily functions, it's axiomatic that no one likes to do a Number Two away from home, and women would like you to think that they don't do Number Two at all. In the women's restrooms in my office building, there is an entire set of taboos and protocols surrounding the pooping process, a very specific set of rules.

Men have no such compunctions. My husband assures me that when faced with taking a dump in a public restroom, a man will simply lumber into the stall, settle in, and start blasting away without any regard for his surroundings. And if there happens to be a guy in the next stall who makes a rude noise, the first guy will make an even ruder noise, as if to say Oh yeah? Quite a cozy scene, wouldn't you say? Two guys in adjacent stalls, reading the paper and grunting away. Cozy. Also, disgusting.

Women, in truly public bathrooms such as those at the swap meet or Target, can sometimes adopt the same approach. There can be a woman in the next stall, and you feel kind of bad, but then again, you think Who is she anyway? Some old bat from Fountain Valley I'll never see again. Who cares what she thinks? Take that, grandma. Well, that's fine for the public, but the women's restroom in an office building is a more selective atmosphere. You will, and do, see these women every day. Which makes you a bit more shy.

Take, for instance, the women's bathrooms in my office building. It's a small building, and each floor has a women's restroom with exactly three stalls. This is sort of an intimate atmosphere. You're not going to get away with anything in there, if you catch my drift. So the trick is to do Number Two without being caught at it.

The ideal scenario is to walk in there, find the place deserted, do your dirty deed, and make your escape as quickly as possible before anyone else can come in and attribute any rude smells in the air to you. (The only thing worse than this is when there are rude smells in the air which you didn't produce, and then someone else walks in and you know she totally thinks it's you who stunk up the joint. And you want to turn to her and deny it, but that would only make her think it was you for sure.)

However, sometimes you don't manage to get in and out of there without interruption, so it becomes necessary to pretend that you are not, in fact, going Number Two at all. This gets insanely complicated. Consider this scenario, which I have seen time and time again:

Woman One walks into the restroom, goes into the far stall, and starts making a duty. Suddenly, the restroom door opens. She freezes! stops what she's doing, and hunkers down. Woman Two walks in and goes into the near stall, also intending to make a duty. Woman Two realizes that there's someone already in there, so she sits quietly and waits, hoping that Woman One will finish her business and get the heck out so that Woman Two can poop in peace. Woman One also sits quietly; she is absolutely not going to finish her business until Woman Two has finished hers and left. The silence and stillness grow deafening. It's a stalemate -- neither of them is going to finish or leave until the other one does. (And poor Woman One has been suspended in mid-dump.)

Suddenly, the door opens again -- and in walks Woman Three! who goes into the remaining, center stall. Aaaaaaaah! think Women One and Two. Woman Two pulls her pants up and flees, resolving to poop later, or poop on a different floor, or perhaps never poop again. Woman One continues to sit, aware that it could be a good half-hour before she can finish up and get back to the office. And Woman Three, because she knows what's going on and is also a total bitch, makes sure to spend an inordinate amount of time peeing, pulling up her stockings, and fussing with her hair and makeup before she leaves the restroom and lets poor Woman One finish up.

Editor's knote: Of course, I personally have never been any of these women. I speak strictly as a field observer. Shut up.

You see what I mean? It's absolutely nuts. All because we are trying to pretend we don't do Number Two. Maybe the men have the better approach.