But What Would Be The Answer To The Answer Man?
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Miscellany
Hmm. "Ask Me Anything" landed with a sort of resounding THUD. But since I promised, here goes!

Still Bill asks: What is your favorite free porno site? What is your PIN number for your bank account?

And I answer: Still Bill, the answer I have for you is not so much a written one as a visual one. So if you could see us, imagine that the entire Crumpacker Ohana is blowing big wet noisy raspberries at you, and also flipping you off with both hands, and even we will do that thing like in "Slap Shot" mooning you out the windows of our minivan -- an ass in every window! And that is my answer for you, and I would like to take a moment to note that you sure as hell are still Bill.

Jennifer asks: If you had to choose just one post that you've written in this blog as a "favorite", which would it be?

And I answer: this one.

Melissa asks:What was your favorite thing about the July 2001 board? Your least favorite? [This was our online mommy group from when I had Sam.]

And I answer: My favorite was Sawyer and Spencer stories, hands down. These were a pair of twin boys with the very devil in them, and oh how we loved the tales of their doings. Least favorite? Ahh, you know, the usual catty type stuff. Me, I like dogs.

Someone asks: How do you forgive your husband for doing something incredibly awful and hurting you deeply?

And I answer: Did he betray your trust? Because if he did, then there are problems in the marriage that run deeper than whatever he did. The one thing Ben and I can count on from each other is honesty -- there is no lying or deceit. If you don't have honesty, y'all need to get it.

The ever brilliant and gorgeous Holly Burns asks: Why (or how) did you choose the names you chose for your children?

And I answer: Sam is Samuel Nicholas. We chose Samuel because it means "asked of God" (see the Bible) and we sure as hell did want us a kid. The Nicholas bit we just threw in because we liked it. We now have a dog named Nicky.

Matthew William because Matthew means "gift from God" and that was what he was -- we got the kid we asked for, and then God threw in a little gift, and that was Matt. William is Ben's father's name. But God wasn't done with us yet --

Julia Rose Kathleen because Ben and I agreed on Julia as a good and worthy name, both strong and feminine. Rose for my mother; it's her middle name. And Kathleen for a dear dear family friend who died at 41 the same week I found out I was pregnant with Julia.

Diane asks: From your entries you and Ben seem to have hit the motherlode - a happy marriage with all that comes with it. My question is - how have you managed to keep the happy in your marriage?

And I answer: Humor and honesty, and a shared love of our home and our kids. We have problems, but we face all problems together.

Amy asks about the kitsch thing.

And I answer: It probably started with this book entitled (guess what!) "Kitsch" that Ben somehow brought into the marriage. It's an old book, and odd, and we thought: "Cool! We're there!" I think the first kitsch item was a small statute of a miniature schnauzer playing with a roll of toilet paper, followed closely by a really dreadful cow creamer. We also collect Black Americana -- you know, the old-time stuff they could NEVER do these days. There is lots of Uncle Remus and Aunt Jemima in our kitchen.

Piper asks: What are your favorite and least favorite things about yourself? And Ben?

And I answer: I think my favorite thing about me is that I appear to be as strong as an ox, which is a good thing seeing how I got myself knocked up three times in my forties. Least favorite? That would be my big potty mouth. Usually it serves me well, but sometimes it gets me in trouble.

My favorite thing about Ben? God, let's talk organs. His brain and his heart. Those I love very much. I might also love one or two other organs of his. Least favorite? Tuning me out when I'm trying to talk to him.

So there you have it. And now I will have to get up off my fat Polish flu-ridden ass and write an actual entry.