The Coochie Doctor.
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Pregnancy
My ob/gyn, aka Dr. Jellyfinger or the Coochie Doc, who delivered both my sons, announced today at my monthly preggo exam that he is retiring as of the end of this week. This freaked me out. At not quite six months of pregnancy I'm faced with finding a new doctor for my hey-nonny-nonny.

In recent memory, only four males have been anywhere near the Holy of Holies. One is, of course, my husband. The second is Patrick Quigley, M.D., the ob/gyn who is leaving me high and dry. And the third and fourth are my sons, who were only permitted in the area long enough for Daddy to put them in and for Dr. Quigley to take them out. I'm reluctant to expand the circle, but expand it I must, and fast.

So, this afternoon I set out to find a new doctor. And I chose him the same way I chose Dr. Quigley some six years ago: By his name.

(Some people may already believe I'm a completely reprehensible person, and here comes more proof: What I'm about to say may convince you that I both deserve, and am partially responsible for, everything you hate about both the Bush Administration and the Vatican. Here goes.)

The only type of doctor with whom I feel comfortable is white, male, and preferably Catholic. The sort of doctor I was raised with. Female doctors are groovy for other people; I don't like going to them. Nor do I want a doctor whose native language isn't English; I want there to be absolutely no ambiguity in my verbal communications with my treating physician. Bear in mind that being an HMO subscriber and chronically pressed for time, I have to pick my doctors from a catalog; I don't have time for personal interviews.

Therefore, Patrick Quigley. Good Catholic; he's even been to the Vatican. And now my new doctor, Fred Galluccio. I have high hopes for him, despite the perhaps questionable wisdom of allowing an Italian guy anywhere near my coochie, something I swore off upon separating from Anthony.

Wish me luck. In three to four months, Julia will make her appearance, and Dr. Galluccio will be waiting at the entrance to the Fun Zone with the catcher's mitt. I hope his aim is true.