I Am So Freaking Witty.
Mood:  surprised
Y'all believe it or not, I have a life apart from babies and, um, babies. Here are a couple of the most recent bits of my oeuvre:

On the Howard Stern Message Board, responding to a query about how a woman can keep a guy:

(1) Shut up already.

(2) Get rid of your cat.

(3) Don't listen to anything your girlfriends tell you about him.

(4) When you don't feel like having sex, get on your knees already. You love the guy, right?

(5) Get rid of your guy friends. They only want to fuck you, and he knows it.

(6) No guilt trips. No lies.

(7) Don't ever ask him to get rid of his boat, his guy friends, or his dog.

(8) Never expect him to remember birthdays, anniversaries or Valentine's Day without reminding him. Also, no "magical" requirements. He can't read your mind and he won't surprise you with a diamond bracelet, so don't expect it. Remember, a life burdened with expectations is a heavy life; its fruits are sorrow and disappointment. If he comes home to you every night, consider yourself blessed.

(9) Never gossip about him to your friends. What happens between you is private.

(10) Grit your teeth and get along with his mother, even though she is a complete overbearing bitch.

Posted on Dooce in reference to a post about kids climbing on furniture with Cheeto hands:

Hee. And hee! It's gorgeous landscape, and of course you, Heather, have no right to be so thin within a year of having a baby. But the Cheeto hands truly made me laugh. My younger son, 21 months, is commonly known as Cheeto Boy, and everything in my life has been climbed on and smeared with Cheeto hands by him and his big brother.

Tell your sister there is a new sort of Cheetos, White Cheddar Cheetos, I learned about on one of my mommy mailgroups. I am insanely excited about these Cheetos because not only are they more "natural", they do not contain the orange Cheeto dye which is fatal to all furniture, minivan upholstery and Mommy's Lucky jeans.

And in response to a guy who wanted to move to Utah:

Daniel: I wouldn't assume they have anything in Utah. My adult daughter moved to Salt Lake for three months, and the beer is something like $20 a twelve-pack, plus I am here to tell you that Wasatch Brewery hefeweisen completely sucks. I had to double-check to confirm I was not drinking actual urine.

Y'all see? I am a wealth of useless information. It's 8:30 a.m. and my kids are waking up. See you later.