For Whom The Smell Tolls.
Mood:  smelly
Topic: The Tao of Ben
There is a standard Crumpacker method for checking if one of the boys has poop in his pants: Quite simply, we smell their butts through their pants. Ben was quite scandalized the first time I held up baby Sam and demanded, Smell his butt! But you know, it's a good method. I have heard of parents who check for poop by thrusting a hand inside the kid's diaper. Now that strikes me as foolhardy. Compared to the hand-in-the-diaper method, smelling their butts, while it probably looks a bit strange in public, is downright safe and sanitary.

This afternoon I thought I caught a telltale whiff, so I started polling my kids. Do you have a poop? I asked Sam. He shook his head. Matt, do you have a poop? Sam, who is my good little helper, immediately offered, I better smell his butt. And he duly did so, and announced after a moment that Matt in fact was poop-free.

Sam's sense of humor, these days, is firmly rooted in the absurd, so in the spirit of the moment, I suggested, I'd better smell Daddy's butt. Sam squealed with delight as I approached his father and said Sit up, I need to smell your butt. And I did exactly that -- I took a big whiff, thinking I was safe. I mean, you'd hardly expect the guy to have a poop in his pants, right?

I almost fell over -- it smelled pretty damned bad. You've been farting! I accused him. He grinned. Not lately, he replied. I was left sputtering with indignation and disgust.

Ben just laughed at me. See? he said. Don't go around smelling people's butts. And I have to agree. Next time you get the urge to smell the butts of the males in the room, I recommend limiting your inquiry to the toddlers.